Then there were 6, 8 or is it 7… Are we confused yet?

I am going to jump ahead to the present as I have been writing about the beginnings mostly up until now but I have had some recent developments that are taking place, and while they are fresh on my mind and in my face so to speak I thought they might be easier to write about.

Everything has been going smoothly my oldest grandson is finally opening up he is talking to his counselor he is doing great in school and making tons of friends; getting along with his siblings. These are all milestones for him, as when he came to me he was a ticking time bomb looking for a place to implode.  He even recently told his counselor if his mother were to move down here he would visit her but would still want to live with us, something that surprised me since he was the one who for the last 3 ½ years so adamantly talked about going home to mom and dad’s.

Now 5 days ago my grandchildren’s mom, dad and baby brother age 2 arrived at my door they had decided to move here. Be closer to the children get away from all of the drama and start their lives over.  This was on a Friday kids were ecstatic of course. On Saturday night, there was an argument; Dad leaves goes back home 1200 miles away leaves mom here with the baby. However, you have to understand they have had an on and off relationship for the last year. So plus 3, minus 1, makes 7 children if you include my daughter.  For now until I see how she intends to conduct herself I will count her as me having another child in the house, because for the last 5 years she has conducted herself in a selfish and sometimes childish manner, which has resulted in her not being able to regain custody of the four children I have.

Therefore, this means I now have in the house 6 of my 10 grandchildren and my youngest daughter. Ages of the children are 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 my daughter is 24 all but one of these children belong to her and no it is not the 8 yr old it would be the 3 year old which is not hers.  Therefore, I have three preschoolers, three school age children, and one grown child in my home that makes seven children. Except that I think one of them plans to get a job, at least I hope she is heading in that direction. I am willing to do this for a short period, as I understand what it is like to hit bottom and we as a collective family have waited a long time for her to hit the proverbial bottom. I will provide a roof and food. I will not however provide unnecessary items such as minutes for her phone we have a house phone, or cigarettes, I do not smoke.  I quit fifteen years ago and for the price of a pack of cigarettes, I can almost buy two gallons of milk or at least three loaves of bread.

The good news is she has a degree in nursing she is an LPN however, her licensure is from another state so she must wait for a transfer to go through prior to being able to work in this state. She has made the necessary applications and now must begin the waiting process for the paper work to go through. In the meantime, I have the opportunity to observe her with her children. She has been able to spend significant time with her children over the last 5 years since they originally went into foster care, so she really does not know who they are as individuals. They have been growing up without her she only know what their interests are by reports she gets through me.  I hope over the next few weeks and months to be able to see that she has grown and matured and can finally become a mother to them. I do not know if it will ever again be a full time mother, as they may always have to remain in my home but at least with her in the same state now the children will have an opportunity to get to know her and not be completely alienated from her. She still has a multitude of things to work on in her personal life. I can be thankful at least two of those things are not drug or alcohol related.

Silence....More Golden the Older you get

I find as I get older I look forward more and more to the quieter times. Time alone with my thoughts even if I am busy doing something in the silence at least it is just that, silent.

I was just beginning to get used to being without children/young adults in my home, when we obtained custody of 4 grandchildren. My husband and I had the freedom to come and go as we pleased do the things we enjoyed doing.  We went bowling and joined leagues; we both bought nice bicycles and planned on riding 4 or 5 times a week to get into better shape. We went on fishing trips sometimes staying all night we went to dinner with friends.

When you have young children you have to think about loading up the car with the extra necessities needed when you have children of various ages going someplace with you.  Baby wipes, diapers and a change of clothing for unexpected or sometimes expected accidents.  Depending on the length of the trip; snacks for the road, or snacks for the stay at the park.  Toddlers and preschoolers are always snacking and always hungry.

 Because my husband and I did not live in the same state where the presiding Judge of the case concerning the children is we must make a yearly trip there as well. So we invested in a family friendly vehicle. My dreams of a nice pickup truck went out the window we opted for a 7 passenger van a soccer mom van as my daughter likes to call it. Now mind you this is the daughter who is the mother not only to these four of which I have custody, but also to one more child almost 2 years younger. So were she to have them in her custody and be making affordable payments on a vehicle she would need a similar vehicle herself don’t you think?

As you can see every area of my life was now crowded with chatter of some sort. Not much peace to be found I was used to being able to curl up with a good book and read as many or as few chapters as I wished now I was lucky to get a complete sentence read, unless it was late into the night. I was attending online classes and staying up until 1 am to complete assignments.  The baby blankets I was fond of crocheting for my other grandchildren were not getting made.  But most of all my golden silence was gone and though I dearly love my grandchildren and would not trade them for anything. I am only just now beginning to get to a spot where I can find moments of peace again every so often as they get a little bit older and are finding things to occupy themselves for longer periods of time.  I find I can truly appreciate the moments of silence.

But I also enjoy these times……

The other day my young grandson Owen came to me and climbed up in my lap, hugged me really tight, and said “I love you all the way up to Jesus,” I hugged him back and said “I love you too baby, all the way to Jesus and back.”

Chaos, Clutter, and Cleanliness

Getting organized again has been one of my biggest challenges and something I am constantly trying to achieve.  When I started parenting my young grandchildren, it was like having triplets in the house only I did not have a chance to get used to them gradually as most parents do. I got them all at once, plus, a brother only 2 years older. They were not triplets, but other than the oldest one, they didn’t have even a full 15 months between them.  They thought like twins and triplets. Anyone who has been a parent of multiples can understand this, I am sure.  While I was cleaning up one mess, there was usually another being made and another. I am sure being planned.

Nothing that is marked childproof works with multiples. The reason for this is each are thinking with different parts of their brain at all times.  I did not realize this at first, of course. My husband and I went through 3 different childproof gates, each more complex than the last and, of course, more expensive. Each time we were scratching our heads when they would figure a way out, around, over, or through it in a matter of 1 or 2 days. On several occasions, we even talked about contacting childproofing companies to see if they wanted to hire the children to work for them and said if they could make anything safe for our grandkids, Houdini couldn’t escape it.  Toys were the same way. They could break anything or take it apart, and they were just 1, 2, 3 and 5. They are now 4, 5, 6 and 8 plus I have the added bonus of a 3 yr old again for a few months.

Socks were a challenge. I have always hated mating socks. But then I had an epiphany. I decided to color code. I had 3 boys and 1 girl. I went to Target, ß-my favorite store, and surveyed the sock selection. The oldest boy was in school and needed both black and white socks, but I was able to get them in the same style. I got 9 pairs of each for him. For the two youngest, I got two different color bottoms they were basically white socks with colored bottoms making them easy to match.  For my granddaughter, it was easy. She loves pink so she got white socks with pink bottoms. Sock mating is now a piece of cake, so easy now, the 3 and 4 year old can do it for me. Children from the ages of 3-5 love to be helpful, and this is a safe job for them to do without much supervision required.

About a year into my adventure, a friend of mine introduced me to a website that over the last couple of years has helped me take better control of my situation. The basic concepts of this site are talked about in many self-help home organization books, and I am not telling you that you can’t get this help from any number of the other sites that are out there. I am telling you this site appealed to me and my need to control the instant chaos that had seemed to descend upon my household. The website can be found at www.flylady.net  it is run by Marla Cilley. She has found a way to attract over 29 thousand followers. It is a fairly simple concept which can be adjusted to suit almost anyone’s schedule. She has books written by both her and others as well.  The bottom line is your house did not get messy overnight. It isn’t going to get clean overnight. Also, you can do anything for 15 minutes, or if need be, adjust your time and clean for 10 minutes, whatever it takes.  Even doing a quick, non-stop clean-up for 10 minutes in one room 5 or 6 times a day, gives you about an hour’s worth of cleaning time. On her website, she talks about hotspot fire drills and 5 minute room rescues, but my absolute favorite would have to be swish and swipe.  With 4 of the little angels being boys, and boys, of course, standing up in the bathroom to do their business; a bathroom can get stinky really quick if you do not stay on it very regularly. Who here likes to clean bathrooms?  Well with the daily swish and swipe, the task becomes a lot less daunting simply because you are basically giving your bathroom a wipe down every day, and it always smells fresh. At least as fresh as a bathroom can at a given moment.   Here is a link to the swish and swipe routine page just in case anyone is interested:  http://www.flylady.net/d/habits-of-the-month/july/.  If you decide to sign up for the website, then happy flying. It isn’t necessary to sign up to gain the helpful hints which are offered there.  The emails can become overwhelming but there are ways to manage those as well. I just know it has helped me to bring my somewhat chaotic, suddenly child filled world, back into focus so that my house isn’t always topsy-turvy.

Left out of the Loop

I have lost out on many things by stepping in to take over the rearing of my grandchildren. The freedom that I once experienced being one of the things I lost.  As my own children were getting older and I did not have to supervise them as much, they could be left alone for extended periods of time and in some cases even over night.  My husband and I were able to enjoy time to ourselves. Time to go to a quiet dinner out of the house, go see a movie, or the one thing we both miss most – going fishing all night even if we don’t catch anything.  We never had to worry about babysitters anymore or emergency phone calls telling us someone was sick, hurrying home or to a school to pick someone up.  I was learning how to scale down our meals and make meals for two, and we were even enjoying simple salads for dinner sometimes. You can’t do this with picky toddlers in the house especially when there are 5 of them unless you want to spend all of your time in the kitchen.  Instead, I find new and exciting variations to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich or new things to serve with mac and cheese.

I lost my father 18 months ago, as well. I wanted so much to be near him in the last year of his life.  I traveled to him as often as I could; he understood I was busy with the kids and the financial aspect of the situation, although this did not make me feel any better. This is time I can never replace. Memories I can never make with him. I know in my heart he is in a better place. He had a long battle with cancer and fought a hard fight so he is at peace now and I will see him again one day I know.   

I have friends my age who feel left out as well as friends, who like me, have raised their own children and slid, pushed, nudged or booted them out of the nest. These friends now expect me to go out to lunch with them, or as in my case drop, everything and travel to see them or chat on the phone without having to stop every few minutes to speak to a toddler or preschooler.  This was something we did together as we were raising our own children. Now, they have moved on with their lives, and I am moving backwards in mine. It seems they feel like I am being robbed. Like it is unfair to me as they tell me quite often in phone calls. I see it too, and they are right in some ways. It is unfair, but I love my grandchildren. This is the way it is, and this is the way it will be, so I have adjusted to my life the way it is. We talk when we have the chance.  

The ones most left out of the loop though are my other grandchildren. They have lost their grandmother. I am busy being a mother again to very young children who are very close in age. This is not only hard for them to deal with; it is hard for their parents as well. There is jealousy and resentment. I hear about it all the time. While the parents of these children I am raising are being lazy and irresponsible. While I care for their children, my other grandchildren suffer for it by not having a grandmother.  A grandparent is supposed to have the freedom to spoil their grandchildren, spend time with them, have a fun place to visit, and create fun memories of childhood. My other grandchildren do not get this luxury because I have the fulltime care and financial responsibility of their cousins. For this, I am truly sorry. I wish there was more of me to give, but at the end of the day, I am tired. On the next day, I get up and do it all over again. I try very hard to remember birthdays for the others so they know I do care, and I hope one day they understand it was not because I did not love them, because I do. I know they have wonderful parents who are caring for them, and I will see them every chance I can.

I will miss out on my newest grandson being born this month, and even on the first few months of his life. But I know he has a strong mother I have seen what she is capable of she is a fierce tigress and I know she will protect him until I am able to visit.

The new Era of Grandparenting

As grandparents we think we will get to axiously await the birth of our grandchildren one day hoping for the chance to spoil them with presents and smother them with hugs and kisses and then send them home to bed tired and happy and spoiled properly. Ready to do it all over again at the next visit or holiday.

But times have changed grand parents are finding themselves being the primary care givers and tucking their grandchildren in at night. At a time of their lives when they should be getting ready to retire or looking to downsize their homes to something more affordable they are having to stay at jobs longer or sometimes even go back to work. Refinance their homes or even buy and bigger home to accommodate children.

Grandparents are doing this because they love their grandchildren and want what is best for them they realize the children need stability and love and consistancy in their lives to survive lifes obstacles.

 One thing though that anyone who has a loved one in this situation needs to realize is this. This person is not a superhero no matter how much they seem to think they can do it all with out anyones help especially in the beginning, If you see a way to offer assistance to the grandparent or other relative caregiver, please do so they need your assistance even when they think they don't.

I was the super hero for a while until I broke down then and only then did I accept the help that everyone had been offering all along.