Left out of the Loop

I have lost out on many things by stepping in to take over the rearing of my grandchildren. The freedom that I once experienced being one of the things I lost.  As my own children were getting older and I did not have to supervise them as much, they could be left alone for extended periods of time and in some cases even over night.  My husband and I were able to enjoy time to ourselves. Time to go to a quiet dinner out of the house, go see a movie, or the one thing we both miss most – going fishing all night even if we don’t catch anything.  We never had to worry about babysitters anymore or emergency phone calls telling us someone was sick, hurrying home or to a school to pick someone up.  I was learning how to scale down our meals and make meals for two, and we were even enjoying simple salads for dinner sometimes. You can’t do this with picky toddlers in the house especially when there are 5 of them unless you want to spend all of your time in the kitchen.  Instead, I find new and exciting variations to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich or new things to serve with mac and cheese.

I lost my father 18 months ago, as well. I wanted so much to be near him in the last year of his life.  I traveled to him as often as I could; he understood I was busy with the kids and the financial aspect of the situation, although this did not make me feel any better. This is time I can never replace. Memories I can never make with him. I know in my heart he is in a better place. He had a long battle with cancer and fought a hard fight so he is at peace now and I will see him again one day I know.   

I have friends my age who feel left out as well as friends, who like me, have raised their own children and slid, pushed, nudged or booted them out of the nest. These friends now expect me to go out to lunch with them, or as in my case drop, everything and travel to see them or chat on the phone without having to stop every few minutes to speak to a toddler or preschooler.  This was something we did together as we were raising our own children. Now, they have moved on with their lives, and I am moving backwards in mine. It seems they feel like I am being robbed. Like it is unfair to me as they tell me quite often in phone calls. I see it too, and they are right in some ways. It is unfair, but I love my grandchildren. This is the way it is, and this is the way it will be, so I have adjusted to my life the way it is. We talk when we have the chance.  

The ones most left out of the loop though are my other grandchildren. They have lost their grandmother. I am busy being a mother again to very young children who are very close in age. This is not only hard for them to deal with; it is hard for their parents as well. There is jealousy and resentment. I hear about it all the time. While the parents of these children I am raising are being lazy and irresponsible. While I care for their children, my other grandchildren suffer for it by not having a grandmother.  A grandparent is supposed to have the freedom to spoil their grandchildren, spend time with them, have a fun place to visit, and create fun memories of childhood. My other grandchildren do not get this luxury because I have the fulltime care and financial responsibility of their cousins. For this, I am truly sorry. I wish there was more of me to give, but at the end of the day, I am tired. On the next day, I get up and do it all over again. I try very hard to remember birthdays for the others so they know I do care, and I hope one day they understand it was not because I did not love them, because I do. I know they have wonderful parents who are caring for them, and I will see them every chance I can.

I will miss out on my newest grandson being born this month, and even on the first few months of his life. But I know he has a strong mother I have seen what she is capable of she is a fierce tigress and I know she will protect him until I am able to visit.